While I am sure more often than not I expose myself as being something of a fool, one usually misinformed. Yet it is still within the grand spirit of this blog for me to press on with a rant, this one rather timely. The time has come Cleveland, for me to address the weather here... and without further ado...
PUT ME IN CHARGE OF THE WEATHER IN CLEVELAND!!! (three exclamations)
This is an open call to the fierce deity of the wild, better known as Mother Nature. Who, for some reason, chooses annually to let fly with her most vicious of concoctions upon us, otherwise known as the Clevo-Winter. I need not regale you (Clevelander readers) with just how awful the manic depressive states of weather are, which include torrential snow and slush, lethal ice, interspersed pockets of 50 degrees, countered with temperatures so frigid, the frost on the inside of your wind shield spells out "Not a Chance Asshole" and more icicles than you could shake a frost-bitten stump at — all in one day.
People who fear the Apocalypse aren't concerned with weather shifts as an indicator because if they did, the 'end' would technically becoming twice a day in Cleveland. But yeah... you don't need me to tell you about that because you already know... so let's move on.
So with all disregard to science and logical explanation, which could in fact offer a sensible answer or reason to my gripe, I have to wonder just what the hell is going on here... I ask this because as any Clevelander can attest, we do in fact have more erratic weather than if a schizophrenic himself was conducting it. Matter of fact, Im pretty sure that visitors here have been known to endure weeks of paranoid fits and weight loss as a result of acclimating to our environmental surroundings. By contrast, people who have lived here their entire lives are too steeped in crazy from the weather that no one really notices. It's a level playing field of climate-induced mania with those that seem crazy just going above and beyond what equates us... I digress, and my apologies, this is not a blog about being crazy (...) This rant concerns Cleveland weather.
Aside from the fact that our weather has the reliability of an ill-tempered alzheimer's victim, my issue lies with its duration. Old Man winter is released from his time out by Mother Nature — which let's examine that for a second... Mother Nature. Mother to all, partnered with Father Earth? Presumably? So... they had a child? A crusty old man-child, a la Benjamin Button, known as Old Man Winter? This is my guess. BUT then that begs the question where is Baby Jane Spring? Sue-Svelt Summer? Finneus Fall? And the other seasonal figure heads I just bullshit my way through... Wheres that leave Jack Frost? Is he infact the horrible, inbred creature of Old Man Winter and Finneus Fall??? Who wrote this crap? It surely wasn't me.
ANYWAYS, apparently Mother Nature And Father Earth have about 4 really "challenged" kids, Old Man winter being the most cantankerous of them all, and evidently the most spoiled here in Cleveland. We see so much of him. He gets let out of his cage or child harness sometime in October. Now see, he's old, so it takes him a moment or two get truly riled up and going. At this point it's November and all the tantrum fury of his blustery, man-child wrath is laid upon us. And since he has the fervor of a delinquent youth in his old man veins, Old Man Winter cavorts wildly well into almost May. It is then, and only then, that again in old man fashion, for no apparent reason he quits the cold and falls asleep. Now the other three siblings get a shot to play. Basically they squabble over the remaining months of May — September. Which of course is plenty of time to span out the seasons of Spring Summer and Fall.
However, between the months of November and April, we lock down and play host to this lumbering bag of insanity Old Man winter opens on us... Much in the same way people carve pumpkins to ward off evil spirits, Clevelanders put out orange construction barrels before winter to ward him off... It is known throughout Clevelander lore that we have two seasons here, Orange Barrel and Winter.
PUT ME IN CHARGE OF THE WEATHER IN CLEVELAND!!! (three exclamations)
This is an open call to the fierce deity of the wild, better known as Mother Nature. Who, for some reason, chooses annually to let fly with her most vicious of concoctions upon us, otherwise known as the Clevo-Winter. I need not regale you (Clevelander readers) with just how awful the manic depressive states of weather are, which include torrential snow and slush, lethal ice, interspersed pockets of 50 degrees, countered with temperatures so frigid, the frost on the inside of your wind shield spells out "Not a Chance Asshole" and more icicles than you could shake a frost-bitten stump at — all in one day.
People who fear the Apocalypse aren't concerned with weather shifts as an indicator because if they did, the 'end' would technically becoming twice a day in Cleveland. But yeah... you don't need me to tell you about that because you already know... so let's move on.
So with all disregard to science and logical explanation, which could in fact offer a sensible answer or reason to my gripe, I have to wonder just what the hell is going on here... I ask this because as any Clevelander can attest, we do in fact have more erratic weather than if a schizophrenic himself was conducting it. Matter of fact, Im pretty sure that visitors here have been known to endure weeks of paranoid fits and weight loss as a result of acclimating to our environmental surroundings. By contrast, people who have lived here their entire lives are too steeped in crazy from the weather that no one really notices. It's a level playing field of climate-induced mania with those that seem crazy just going above and beyond what equates us... I digress, and my apologies, this is not a blog about being crazy (...) This rant concerns Cleveland weather.
Aside from the fact that our weather has the reliability of an ill-tempered alzheimer's victim, my issue lies with its duration. Old Man winter is released from his time out by Mother Nature — which let's examine that for a second... Mother Nature. Mother to all, partnered with Father Earth? Presumably? So... they had a child? A crusty old man-child, a la Benjamin Button, known as Old Man Winter? This is my guess. BUT then that begs the question where is Baby Jane Spring? Sue-Svelt Summer? Finneus Fall? And the other seasonal figure heads I just bullshit my way through... Wheres that leave Jack Frost? Is he infact the horrible, inbred creature of Old Man Winter and Finneus Fall??? Who wrote this crap? It surely wasn't me.
ANYWAYS, apparently Mother Nature And Father Earth have about 4 really "challenged" kids, Old Man winter being the most cantankerous of them all, and evidently the most spoiled here in Cleveland. We see so much of him. He gets let out of his cage or child harness sometime in October. Now see, he's old, so it takes him a moment or two get truly riled up and going. At this point it's November and all the tantrum fury of his blustery, man-child wrath is laid upon us. And since he has the fervor of a delinquent youth in his old man veins, Old Man Winter cavorts wildly well into almost May. It is then, and only then, that again in old man fashion, for no apparent reason he quits the cold and falls asleep. Now the other three siblings get a shot to play. Basically they squabble over the remaining months of May — September. Which of course is plenty of time to span out the seasons of Spring Summer and Fall.
However, between the months of November and April, we lock down and play host to this lumbering bag of insanity Old Man winter opens on us... Much in the same way people carve pumpkins to ward off evil spirits, Clevelanders put out orange construction barrels before winter to ward him off... It is known throughout Clevelander lore that we have two seasons here, Orange Barrel and Winter.
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